Apathy Isn't Always Bad (Post 49)

LALALA NOT CARING. Also allowing myself to not take the blame for everyone in the worlds' sadness (multiple times today.)

I got a summer job! I'm going to be a counselor for 5 year old girls at a day camp.

Also the letting shit go thing is an accomplishment too.

365 (Post 48)

I started a 365 today. I can't help but think it's kind of funny that I'd want to do one of those, but maybe it'll be good for me? I don't know. I know I looked a lot different this time last year but I shouldn't think about that.

I had a normal conversation with someone who I thought things wouldn't be normal with ever again.

And I guess starting a 365 is an accomplishment too [:

Deflecting (Post 47)

I was watching House earlier and there was a discussion about how often House deflects pretty much everything. Which got me into thinking about how I deflect compliments. People on formspring have complimented me, and I feel weird just being like thank you. It's hard to not say something like "I don't agree."

I've allowed myself to comment on some aspect of my day in this blog, and I've forced myself to think about things outside of my normal thought process.

^Did that make any sense?

Unusual pretext for a friendship (Post 46)

Today I facebook IMed this girl Laura, a friend of a friend. We didn't talk for long, but we had a lot to talk about, so she gave me her number and said to text her. I feel like we likely will become close, due to how we know each other. Then I think "this isn't normal, Nicole, this is part of that world."

Moving out of that world doesn't mean I can't keep it's inhabitant's phone numbers.

^That's what I realized tonight.

This counts as Saturday's (Post 45)

Woohoo I had a really good day! I saw a lot of people I like and over all had fun. Katie even said to me "you're a lot more comfortable with yourself than you were last year. You're weird but you're weird but you're not apologizing. It's nice." Or something to that extent. I was glad she noticed.

I didn't start a fight with my mom even though I had every right to get angry.

I got home from a fun night just hanging out and my mom asked if I was high. I am completely sober and I just said to her "fine I know you still have the drug test in the house. Test me if you want" instead of arguing with her.

South Park (Post 44)

Damn, I was so close to a week straight of posts then I messed up yesterday. I've spent the past 45 minutes trying to figure out what the hell is going on with last night's South Park. It got censored then pulled then I found it online but it was the censored version and it was really good and I want to see the real one and my head hurts. <--Yes that was a purposeful run-on sentence. I'm flustered for a few reasons tonight and South Park is getting all of that flustered energy.

I got some stupid drivers education homework done.

Mountain biking in the morning. WOOHOO!

Labels/defining yourself (Post 43)

I don't know what I am, but

I am not my disorders/issues. I am me. They are not personality traits that accurately describe me.

Feeling powerful kind of scares me.

Roller-coaster of a day (Post 42)

A lot of ups and downs and twists and turns. My mind is doing a lot of thinking but most of it is positive, which is a nice change.

I paid my deposit for SUNY Binghamton today

Take it one day at a time, Nicole...

I really don't want to do this anymore (Post 41)

I kind of want to give up on this practice but I've learned that when I don't want to do something like this, it means I really should.

I'm fighting stupid fucking society.

So much anger on my mind.

Happy 40th Post (Post 40)

That's pretty freaking good if I may say so myself.

I'm getting back on track with this blog.

About to get in the car for a 4 hour drive to Binghamton. I'm scared I'll wind up at a school that's wrong for me.

Workshop on my mind (Post 39)

I just posted my blog about the Jim Bonney workshop so that's all I can think about. I got mad at myself while re-counting the workshop which makes this difficult. This is a stream of consciousness or something like it. Fuck now my mind is going into negative places. Lalala stoooooop it brain. Like Jim said "thank you for sharing no go away." But it never goes away. Fuck.

Discussion with my parents went decently

After mucho unnecessary fighting and screaming in front of Juliana (I'm SO SORRY about that!) Thanks Mom!

ALLERGIES ATTACK (Post 38)

My eyes and ears and nose and throat are killing me. I can't stop sneezing. It's annoying. I need to return this to a daily practice, not an "whenever I feel like it/Juliana reminds me practice." So here I go...

I wore a sleeveless top today.

I'm watching awful t.v right now. I needed to share something here.

Lots going on today (Post 37)

Open house for accepted students at New Paltz today. I'll probably post on my other blog about what the latest college shit is. But

I had a good tech interview

*resists urge to qualify on this blog (not on other blog)*

No time (Post 36)

Can't write much. Need to get portfolio done. Of course I left more than half of it for now.

I let myself feel tonight.

That's something I haven't done in a while. Huh. Crying=good?

What's brown and rhymes with snoop? (Post 35)

DOCTOR DRE! <--- okay I stole that from Juliana and Liz but I needed a title and it popped into my head. I'm about to fall asleep on the comfy den couch soooo...

I'm not afraid to laugh at myself.

On Friends they just said "Viva Las Gaygas." Awesome.

Portfolio-ing (Post 34)

I just read through all my old entries to work on my portfolio. I hate 90% of them (shocking, right) for one reason or another. I just really haven't been into this lately, but I guess that's me not wanting to push myself to be good to myself (in the context of the blog and out of it.)

I wore my favorite skinny jeans for the first time in almost a year. And I looked decent.

ps: this made me think of STAC

Day to post (Post 32)

For excuses on why I haven't done this in a while, visit http://nicolesara.blogspot.com/2010/04/just-life-imploding-no-big.html and scroll down to the last section. I've decided to change the titles from "Day x" to "Post x" since it's not daily anymore (I'm trying to make it daily, I really am, but I'm sick of writing "Day xish"

I was a cute 8th grader (so was Haley!)

This vacation was too short in some ways, and way too long in others.

Degrassi (Day 31)

So I forgot to post a family story last night, but here's a great one from 10 minutes ago;

My grandpa saw "Degrassi" on tv.

Grandpa: they were talking about pregnancy and how you become pregnant! It's disgusting and RISQUE!

Me: wait you mean the stork doesn't drop them off? okay but please tell me there's a santa clause!

:D

I can be funny when I want to be

I'm sunburnt :[

Limited Internet Activity :[ (Day 30)

The internet won't open on my laptop and I'm forced onto my grandparent's crappy desktop. It sucks.
I'm the most unique person in my family.
Here's to a better tomorrow.

Happy Passover (Day 29)

Happy Passover! While I do appreciate the family time to a certain degree, I get very frustrated in these big family gatherings that last multiple days. I've decided that for the next few days (today through Thursday,) along with posting my daily practice, I'll post something funny someone said.

Grandpa: Is Dr. Dick a he or a she?

Mom: A he

Nicole: There's an easy way to remember that one.

Mom: Nicole!

Grandpa: Wait, how?

I'm finally catching up on my blogging

^Oh hey cop-out whuddup

Florida in the AM (Day 28)

I don't want to go. I want the warm but not the family aspect. I love my family but this is just too anxiety provoking.

I'm not going down without fighting for my fucking life.

I plan on catching up on blogging on the plane. I've had a lot to say recently.

Making up for a few days (Day 26/27sih)

I had a really crappy week. And while that's not an excuse to neglect my daily practice, it is an explanation as to why I could not find positive qualities in myself. But just like I have to get back on track in my issues, I have to get back on track in my blogging.

I got a prom dress

I'm 9 for 9 on college acceptances

I have nothing to put here but I don't want to break the format.

A 'HUGE' problem (Day 25)

I'm so freaking sick of society. So when I read the news for ABC Family's new show, "Huge" I created a facebook group called "St

op Exploiting Teens' Bodies/Body Image. Boycott ABC Family's "HUGE" Granted there isn't really much I can do, but I can speak out against it and hope my thoughts get attention.

I made a group promoting body acceptance!

Here's the full description of the group: An article released on 3/23/10 excitedly announced ABC Family's newest tv venture; a show called "HUGE" about teens at a weight loss camp (commonly referred to as 'fat camp'.) I think this is disguisting. The fact that the show itself is called "Huge" in the first place is insulting to overweight teens.

Additionally, I'm sick and tired of television exploiting teens' struggles with weight for their own gain. Shows like "True Life: I have an Eating Disorder" or "True Life: I'm obese" trivialize these problems for their own purposes.

With all the focus on weight loss in our society, do we really need another show about it? Do we need a show where they've already announced that an "average sized" character is going to be at the camp because she thinks she's overweight?
EveryBODY is beautiful. Sizes, numbers, calories DON'T MATTER. Stop saying that they do. Thin, fat, short, tall, NONE OF THOSE LABELS MEAN ANYTHING. It's more important to be a good and happy person [:

Ugh (Day 24)

Crappy ass night. My friend Willa made it a bit better. Now I just need to sleep.

I stayed pretty calm despite myself.

^except I sill don't know if I'm proud of myself for that.

2 Minutes to midnight (Day 23)

It's 11:58 pm and I want to post this before tomorrow (midnight). SO:

I attempting to look at prom shopping (a "normal" girl's enjoyable experience) in a positive light despite my insecurities.

O no! POST!

House is going baby-hunting (Day 22)

My titles keep getting more and more ridiculous. I'm watching House and he's looking for sick babies. It's such a sad episode (though it just started.) I hate episodes about sick children.

I might be on to something...

I should journal about that.

Not a huge fan of change (Day 21)

I was just talking to a friend and I realized how much of my life is changing soon. I'm not too good with change. This should be interesting...

My outfit looked good today

^The closest I'll get to complimenting my own looks...

Disappointment (Day 20)

Happy 20 days! Can't believe I've made it this far... Today was a disappointing day and tomorrow will probably be pointless. What am I discovering?

I am able to have open and honest conversations with people

I need to finish this essay

Procrastination (Day 19)

I need to finish task 2 for PiG paper...

I don't back down

^that's gotten me in trouble before too...

College (Day 18)

Remember this blog post http://nicolesara.blogspot.com/2009/11/why-do-i-keep-putting-this-off.html ?

Well I got in. I guess the admissions officers were high or something when they read my application. But seriously, how the hell did that happen? I'm still in shock. Excited but shocked. Because now I know where I'm going to school (though I still know nothing about their arts programs...)

Apparently I'm smart enough to get in?

I'm excited but kind of disappointed that the choice is now out of my hands. Who knows, maybe the school will be a great fit for me? But I was pretty excited about some other schools...

Deserving (Day 17)

A lot of people involved in Carousel have said they haven't blogged because of the play. I haven't blogged because I didn't think I should. I didn't think I deserved it. I seem to spend a lot of time on "deserving or not deserving." One of my core values perhaps? I'm not sure, I wasn't there when we learned that concept.

I collaged today

Crappy day will end now. G'night

This isn't a gym paper (Day 16)

I have 3 hours to write a paper for gym. Yes, gym. Thanks Outdoor Education...

I stepped out of my comfort zone without freaking out.

ps: COME SEE CAROUSEL!

It's a party in the USA (Day 15)

No I haven't gone insane, I was listening to a hilarious Party in the USA cover that cheered me up. It's a lame song, but whatever, it's not like I was listening to Miley (*cough ALEX cough*)

I allowed myself to believe my friend cared for me today.

Time to do my stupid gym paper...

Happy 2 weeks (Day 14)

Okay so I missed two days total so far...not so bad. I'm tired as hell right now. Don't want to think.

I put others first.

I get into a hell of a lot of shit for this...

I need to stop procrastinating (Day 13)

It's 11:54 during hell week, I have a quiz 1st period I've yet to study for. I'm on facebook. Pathetic, but I really can't stop the procrastination.

I want a better life for myself.

I need to stop putting myself down on here...

Not so much pain (Day 12ish)

I had a good one in mind but I got distracted video chatting with a friend I haven't seen in forever, but it turned my bad mood around, which is good. Earlier I was thinking about the lyrics to Pain by Three Days Grace where they say "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all" and I've come to realize that I agree with that statement.

I feel strongly

Goodnight World. I enjoy good moods and positive energy.

Not much to say (Day 11)

No qualifiers, not much to say. I had a good day.

I've come so far since this weekend last year.

:D

Sleepy (Day 10)

I'm too tired to do this. I don't feel good about myself right now. So I guess I'm not doing one.

I'm a good friend

^^^AKA my fallback when I'm forced to be nice to myself. Lame.

One month later (Day 9)

Since the beginning of this year, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how things change within a week, a month, or a year. A year later, I was in the same predicament. A month later, I was doing well overall. 2 weeks later, well it was only 2 weeks (if you ask my mother that is.) And while none of these particular examples make sense to you, I'm hoping that the basic idea will resonate because it's something we all experience.

I'm working hard on Carousel

Today sucked (Day 8)

It sucked a lot. So much that I really don't want to do this. LIke I really don't deserve anything nice about myself right now, at all. So I guess I have to fight it. O I got it.

When I fall, I promise myself I'll pull myself right back up again.

Wow, I'm surprisingly glad I did this. I feel a lot better now. Strange...

It was bound to happen (Day 7ish)

I fell asleep without doing my daily practice. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just didn't want to do it last night and I planned on doing it right before bed, but I fell asleep early. So I don't know if I deserve to say something nice about myself for yesterday. What's done is done. The concept of what I do and don't deserve as a person has been talked over and over again in therapy, so I know that the most proactive thing to do would be to fight the voice saying I don't deserve it by writing something positive. But I can't always do what's right in these situations.

Mid-day accomplishment (Day 6)

I'm currently sitting in the lunch room with Juliana and she said "I need to do my blog" which reminded me that I did too. My first reaction was "what have I done today?" before I realized

I came back to school

See you all next period [:

I keep putting myself down in the titles (Day 5)

I keep telling myself what I'm saying doesn't count for one reason or another. I keep saying "I don't want to do this so it doesn't count." But I'm trying to remind myself that the objective is not something life changing and miraculous everyday. It is to say something nice about myself/compliment myself. One day, I am hoping it will be life changing, but for now, I'll settle for doing what I can.

I drove down I.U Willets today (I just started drivers education and haven't driven on main roads much), and I drove well.

It is something nice about myself. I drove well.

Again, I really don't feel like doing this today (Day 4)

Wow 4 days in and already struggling...I'm just mad at myself for shit. It sucks. I'm working on it. The only thing I can think of is that

I am mature

I'm sick of all of this high school bullshit. I'm sick of the fake people, I'm sick of the immaturity, I'm just sick of it. At the same time, i feel stupid being reduced to talking about those kids when i'm bored because life holds nothing else right now (well it holds plenty else but I don't think anyone other than my therapist appreciates me talking about that stuff.) I just want to be in college already.

I really don't feel like doing this today (Day 3)

Day 3 and I'm already running out of things to write. I considered posting "I'm a master procrastinator" but that probably doesn't qualify as a good thing about myself.

I am thoughtful

That was kind of a cop-out. I tend to over-think things, which gets me in trouble. So being thoughtful is both a good and bad thing.

I said I wouldn't qualify my statements...but I can't help it today.

Does it Count if Other People Help? (Day 2)

So today I had a "rock ceremony" where people go around and say nice things about me. It sounds less stupid in context, I swear. Anyways, I wrote those qualities down in my journal then realized I could use them for my daily practice. However, I then began to wonder if it counted as a part of my practice if someone else said the nice thing about me. I eventually decided that in this case, it does, because I believed them.

I am insightful

My rock. Live your life.

First Post!

I just got a really strange urge to sing "The Real Slim Shady" because it starts by rapping about comebacks. I guess this is my comeback. For my daily practice, I wanted something that would help me grow as both an artist and a person (though those lines are becoming blurrier everyday...but that's the subject for another post.) I came up with an idea that seemed so important that it scared me a bit. Which is why I knew I had to do it. Here's the email I sent to Luke:

Hi Luke,

Since I am trying to get back to STAC work, I was thinking about what I might want to do for my daily practice. I came up with an idea, but I don't know if it qualifies because it's not directly art related. What if I tried to write something nice about myself everyday? But I'd try and do it artistically (I'm not sure of what that means but I'll figure it out). Sorry if this is like out of the lines of STAC (I know this isn't therapy) but maybe I could incorporate aspects of STAC into it. I don't know.

-Nicole

Luckily, Luke liked the idea. So here I am. For those of you who know me well, you'll understand why I'm doing this. For those who don't I might just seem conceited. I promise you that is not the case.

So...I'm stalling because I haven't thought of something good for today. Great start right? Okay, I've got one.

I try my hardest to motivate my friends.

At this point I was really tempted to qualify this statement with something negative, but I will resist that urge.